1001 nights.

heartwrenching moments are difficult to be erased off from our memories because the intensity of the emotions that we felt at that particular point in time was capped at the maximum. it took me 1001 nights to relinquish my hold on someone's memories.

on the 999th day after she left my life, i just wanted to know how she was doing. i know this sounds silly but i did tell myself that after a thousand days, i must set myself free and not be engulfed in this phase of agony anymore. thus i thought the message on 999th day would be the last day for me to continue being an idiot. subsequently, i only got my heart really broken for the final last time and i moved on overnight. it's amazing how one's realization can strengthen infinitely in a night, but the relief and sense of freedom of the emotional burden is really rejuvenating. for the first time after 1001 days, i could look into someone's eyes and tell them i don't have any emotional baggage.

so what exactly happened during that 2 minutes that was enough to send me wailing like a baby without milk? it was very simple. i read from my phone, "sorry who is this?". at that instance i could feel my heart compressed; like you try to squeeze a towel dry, and instead of water dripping from the towel, it was tears falling off my eyes. i was felt with utmost grief - for myself. that was the last straw that needed to knock some senses into me. it was just a phone number to her, but it wasn't just that to me. i had wished to know that i have the bare minimal importance to her (as a friend) to retain my number in her phone but i guess all these while it was simply one-sided.

i could feel my heart aching and the pain literally lingering on in my chest the entire day, and for the whole afternoon i cried to my heart's satisfaction. i didn't even sob in this manner when she left me. i think all the accumulated emotions over the past 999 days just ruptured altogether. i felt like a fool, a fool i allowed myself to become.

on the 1000th day, i was heavily condensed with grief because one part of me was dying away. nonetheless, holding on to her memories had integrated into a part of my life and this act of cutting it off is as though i chose to die in one way or another. the day ended with great companions by my side and my grief lessened towards the end, till i close my eyes at night drifting off to slumber.

on the 1001th day, i started the usual mundane routine of my life and everything fell into place, gradually. although i would have wanted a few more days to sort out my feelings, i feared the jeopardy of my emotions going out of control if i were to bottle things up again. thus i took the advice of the cliched saying, "life goes on" and i moved on. deep inside i know i was devastated, but on the physical facade i was coping well. coincidentally, on this very day itself i heard the song 1001 nights played on the radio and i gave myself a silly grin. it's time to let go and not let someone dictate my sadness anymore.

i believe that at the end of everything, it's the willingness to set myself free.
i've moved on.

[an an]

假如你用心守候 不會是這個結果

March’09.

This is a special month for me. Not that it is literally special but I know deep inside, subconsciously I still feel something for that two numbers, three and nine. We were together on March 9, thus making this combination of this month and year somewhat different for me.

We broke up 2 years ago. We spent 565 days together. I did not see him cry, I wish he did, at least for me, the last time. 不知道該往哪走想不到挽留的藉口

Now, it is meaningless for me to say how it all turned out this way. We both, wait a minute, I should not use the word “we” to term us together. I should say he and me are not on talking terms anymore. I have to say it was a short one but it is engraved in my heart. I will not say it is memorable. It is more like a story that is stuck deep within me. No matter where I go, I will bring it along with me.

Last year, I left my family and friends and live abroad for a few months. He was the reason that I wanted to leave this place. I thought a change would be good for me. It was a rush one. I have to leave within a few weeks.
There was a few times when it was below 5 degrees, I would sit at the balcony, with a cigarette in my hand, flipping through those pages of youth in my heart and I see him still.

狠心的話 全都講完剩下的路 各走一半畢竟相愛一場有太多片段

I would like to end the story with a song. (I was blind, such a fool. Thinking we were unbreakable.)

Unbeautiful - Lesley Roy
Don't hang up, can't we talk
So confused it's like I'm lost
What went wrong, what made you go
Don't pretend you don't know
This is me I'm unchangable

When did we fall apart
Or did you lie from the start
When you said, it's only you
I was blind, such a fool
Thinking we were unbreakable

[chorus]
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

[verse 2]
I've been told what's done is done
To let it go and carry on
Deep inside I know that's true
I'm stuck in time, stuck on you
We were still untouchable

[chorus]
It was you and me, against the world
And you promised me forever more
Was it something that I said
Was it something that I did
Cause I gotta know what made me unbeautiful

[bridge]
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Cause I'm only dreaming
Get out, get out, get out, get out
Get out of my head now
Because we're much better altogether
Can't let go
[chorus] x2...
made me unbeautiful

Signing off as A.

a greeting that was never sent.

dearest You,

first and foremost, merry christmas. i wish that on this special day itself, you will experience the joy and significance of christmas and that you will have lots of fun amidst your busy schedule.
after christmas will be the occasion which you might not look forward to, since it will be the start of a brand new year which also means that school will start already. nonetheless, l hereby wishing you an advanced happy new year. i hope a brand new year will be advanturous and smooth-sailing for you and that your competition will be victorious and you will have another memorable trip.

Dear You, i really wish you all the very very best.

with all my love,
me.

i do know that you will never get to read this, but there’s just something i wish i can write to you about. you’re still the one i’m seeking and i’m still the me waiting. deep within, it’s just your friendship i want, nothing else. i want to be able to share about almost eveything and anything with you and that i can be there for you like you had been there for me all that while.
if i can really make a christmas wish, i want, to have your friendship all over again. but perhaps, this will never come true… lacking in faith.

---

a greeting message i wrote 3 years back but i just never had the chance to send it out. since the recepient would never get to read this, at least there are others who can share this with me. it was really suffocating to read and to re-read this letter over and over again on my own... now that there's an outlet for me to release my emotions, i hope i would feel better over time.

[an an]

structure of your email

subject of your email will be the title of your entry.

content will fall under the content of the entry.
if you would like to, you may add in a pet name for your entry that i would post on your behalf.

when you're done,
email to: astt4everybody@gmail.com

astorytotell-foreverybody

i have a burning desire to share snippets of my life with people but it's very difficult to start because there seems to be a invisible barrier that separates me from them. i hope with this account, this wall would be broken down...

i hope that with people's identity concealed, they would come forward to share their stories. sometimes these stories that are buried away in a corner of people's mind can be a type of unexplainable strength for others out there...

sometimes when one is going through a rough patch, he or she may feel that he's or she's all alone in this. but once one person starts to break the ice, he or she may realize that there're many others who share the same fate. probably from there onwards, one would find the courage to brave through the ordeal.

this is the main intention of me setting up ASTT4everybody.

yours faithfully,
yen.